Young Writers Society

I think you're a bit harsh on your writing. It's very good.

If you want to make it more logical: well, the impression I got is that it is a little rushed. You just need to fill in the extra sentences. Because the events are serious and emotion-based rather than action-based, you can get away with more explanation. Tell-y isn't necessarily a bad thing when it's the narrator explaining their reaction.

Okay so like the ending surprised me. I would have never thought that this is what would happen. It was really weird and I really was confused. I did like the description though. I'm have no idea what the girl was either because I have never heard of it or anything. I like how the newspaper article had smudges throughout it so you couldn't completely read what it said that fit in well with the story.

Comments:

Your parents obviously don't want you rolling about in the mud like a dog.

I think that you would have done the same.-
hah! I really like this dialogue. It instantly characterizes the MC. A bit of this in part one I think would help it a lot.


Would a lake cure me of puddles?- good point.

Suggestions

Hundreds of hundreds of little feet.- maybe "Hundreds and hundreds of little feet.

I think you could use quotation marks to make the speaking clearer.

I do like the ending, actually, but I want more explanation. i was left feeling a bit confused by the newspaper section. IF they found the body how does that person stay in the water to take the job? Or is it more of a spirit thing? Will the old water spirit leave since there is a new one?

Overall- this one of the most interesting and original pieces i've read in some time. Just thought you should know.

Hwaaaaa!

What's wrong with me?

We don't know that anything's wrong. You're just different.

By human standards, that is wrong.

That's not true.

Tell me what is.

I took the question back to the evening beasts and the phanfasms of the night, when we crouched among branches with falling leaves and crisp winds. They tilted their gentle heads in bemusement, dead-light eyes winking as they thought. They had no words to respond with, and so they stretched out their arms and embraced me, dragging their soothing fingers across my face.

I couldn't explain why the murky blue made the back of my neck tingle, or why the early-morning mist that floated above it made me shudder. This was not water that fell from heaven.

As evening fell, the sudden severe stillness hit me. As years had passed, I could sometimes hear the daylight beings, their voices harsher and less distinguishable against my ear, and there they were strong. Very strong, a cacophony of laughter and song, but as the sun set, it all became swiftly silent.

My parents took a night walk, leaving me in the rented cabin.

Because I'm dead, too.

...All the creatures of the night...

She nodded and sighed again.

I must die?

If you die, you will be you. Lake. Shore. Rocks. Birds of the air, rodents of the earth and fishes of the water.

And the idea of returning to the sunlight, even in that dead sea, became unbearable.

I would be a dead light.

A newspaper clipping blew in the wind near the lake, tattered by the elements.

DARLING CREEK, Indiana --

A (smudge) was found dead in Aloja Lake at 6 a.m. this morning by Mrs. John Liebling of 1341 Starling Way. The body has been id(large smudge)r. and Mrs. Matthew Jacobson who were on vacation. The cause of death appears to be accidental tho(large smudge)

Back for more!
Comments, as always, in red.

Sumi H. Inkblot wrote:I asked him multiple times. I can't call his name or face to mind, only his frown as he looked down at a notepad.

What's wrong with me?

We don't know that anything's wrong. You're just different.

By human standards, that is wrong. You probably want to stress the "is" with italics.

That's not true.

Tell me what is.

Your parents obviously don't want you rolling about in the mud like a dog.

I think that you would have done the same.

What caused this action? Better as "Why would you do that?" or something similar. Therapists try to put people at their ease, and something so technical would bother most people.

Hundreds of hundreds of little feet. "Hundreds and hundreds", I believe. Mostly just because you use "of" again right after.


What did I have to gain by lying?

Of course he thought that I was lying. This would be stronger before the previous line. As it is, it looks like the kid is asking the therapist that question. The sun gives strength, it does not take it. So says an unwritten creed, somewhere in the ravels of the universe. These last two lines are kind of random, especially tacked onto the "lying" part. I think, after several reads, I understand what you're trying to say: he thought you were lying because the sun is not supposed to hurt people, yes? First, it would be good to clarify that point. Second, what does that have to do with lying about feet? There is a thread of a connection there, but you need to strengthen it and show a more obvious bridge.

What's wrong with me (I personally think that the repetition would make the piece stronger, as well as reinforce the MC saying that he asked the question over and over).?

I took the question back to the evening beasts and the phanfasms "phantasms". of the night Stronger as "back to the beasts and phantasms of the night" (hones the sentence)., when we crouched among branches with falling leaves and crisp winds Let me get this right: he crouched in the branches with the beasts and the leaves and the winds? They all crouched together? This is how it sounds.... They tilted their gentle heads in bemusement, dead-light eyes winking as they thought. Creepy They had no words to respond with, and so they stretched out their arms and embraced me, dragging their soothing fingers across my face. Stronger: "They had no answers, and so they..."

Nothing is wrong? Again, I would repeat the original question.

My parents took me to a lake.

I couldn't explain why the murky blue made the back of my neck tingle, or why the early-morning mist that floated above it "the water" (or similar) rather than "it". made me shudder. This was not water that fell from heaven. Nice line. But why is this a bad lake? If it comes into play later, then fine, but you need to give a specific detail, right now, of how the lake makes him feel. It makes him tingle and shudder, yes, but there should be a deeper reaction. Does it make him feel alone? Lost? Afraid? Broken?
All I could voice Think about finding a different word for "voice". In fact, you may want to rewrite this whole line, and make it more direct and punchy. "I said that I wanted to leave. To leave quickly." Or similar. was a quiet plea to leave, to leave quickly. It was a silly plan anyway. Would a lake cure me of puddles? Aw. That's a sweet image.

They laughed and went for a swim. The water is cold! they cried, and splashed each other to show how lighthearted they were. I wrapped my arms around myself and ran to the trees for comfort. I would like to see a warmer side to the parents. I really hope that this strength/lighthearted attitude is just a front for how worried and hurt they are.

As evening fell, the sudden severe stillness hit me. As years had passed, I could sometimes hear the daylight beings Better to mention this earlier on, and reference it now., their voices harsher and less distinguishable against my ear, and there Where? At the lake? Against his ear? they were strong. Very strong, a cacophony of laughter and song, but as the sun set, it all became swiftly silent. Too much "S" alliteration. Plus, you already told us that it became suddenly still when evening fell.

My parents took a night walk, leaving me in the rented cabin.

The unnatural hush unnerved me. Even the crickets seemed breathless.

It was like day again: I was crushed in the vacuum, the cabin walls moving in around me. I sprinted out the door and ran to the lakeshore.

The sand was gritty and ill-feeling against my feet, with sharp rocks poking out in a muted warning.


She was sitting in the water, playing with a water lily. Hm. This is a big nit pick, but I don't like the fact that "water" appears twice in the same sentence. Also, lakes, especially those where you swim and cabins would be located, usually don't have water lilies in them.

Oh, hello, I've been waiting for you. You should establish that she is saying this. "Hello, she said. I've been waiting for you..."

Her hair was long, and the lake tide tugged it gently around her.

Who are you?

I don't have a name.

I watched her as her pale fingers stroked the plant.

Who am I? Probably "What am I?". He knows who he is, after all.

I don't know. She smiled and shrugged a little.

So how can you be waiting for me? Oh I see where the question was going now. But this reads a little like a "gotcha!" moment and makes it seemed staged.

Because I knew you would come. Will you come into the water? "step" into the water, maybe. I'm not big on repeating words in close succession.

I drew back.

This water...

She sighed, unhappy, and let go of the flower. It wilted, and the tide carried it away in a uneven funeral procession. Tides, especially lake tides, don't work that fast.

It's dead. The flower or the water? Or both? Have her watch the flower float away, if you're referring to that, or scoop up a handful of water if you mean the later.

Why?

Because I'm dead, too.

...All the creatures of the night...

She nodded and sighed again.

I'm not enough anymore. I'm confused.

So why are you waiting for me?

Because we need you. She gestured with one elegant hand around the forest clearing, the shore and the nearby rocks. It is so silent when I am awake...

What can I do to help you?

You are like me. The depths of this place go far below the sun's glare, and the moon shimmers on the surface. Will you come and see where you could be?

I reached and touched the water with a hesitant finger. Cold, but with none of the energy of a heavenly rainfall.

Yes.

She leaned over and laced her fingers with mine.

Be calm.

We were suddenly underwater, senses stretching out in all directions. The only thing to hear was the beat of water against water, the only thing to see was her next to me, and even that faded to only a slight glow holding my hand.

She showed me caves paved "paved" is probably not the word you're looking for, especially if the sand is "soft". with soft sand, crevices that once held life and underwater graveyards marked only by her quiet sobs. I think I'd rewrite this sentence and give it a little more power. Take a short paragraph to explore.

Why?

Because I'm dying.

We were floating near a sunken boat and she reappeared next to me Not possible for you both to be floating there if she is not there at first. , face sorrowful. I don't like that description: it's too vague. Pick a feature and say how that is "sorrowful".

Please help us.

What happened?

I'm old, and tired. Is she night? Or death? Or what? I'm quite befuddled on that point.

You have not told me what I should do. This is a kid, remember, and a modern one at that. More likely "You haven't told me what to do!"

Just take my place. Live here so others in the night can live here. I am dead, so they are dead, and it makes me sad. They should not be dead.
Is she the night? And she is dead, therefore everything else...Really, don't be afraid to clarify who she is. It will give everything more meaning.

What do I have to do?

She peered at me Better to say something more specific. "She looked at me under half-closed lids", "she glanced sideways at me" etc and her voice became quiet and grave.

You won't feel the drowning. I would personally make her less grave. She's worried about this, right? That he'll say no? I would say:
"She paused, unsure.
"It won't hurt," she said. "I promise you."
"What won't?"
"The drowning."
Only less right off the top of my head.


I must die? Kid, remember? His spoken lines would be much more moving if they sounded more realistic and at his age level. Kids don't say "must".

It is hard, for you and me, to live in the evening and the morning, she said. and so, No comma. we must eventually choose or be lost to the sun. Choose what? Evening and morning? Lost... This really needs more specificity.

If I die, will I be like you?

If you die, you will be you. Lake. Shore. Rocks. Birds of the air, rodents of the earth and fishes of the water. The shards of moon that dance on the surface, the clouds that tumble across the sky reflected upon your face. But that's not really him, is it. Maybe "If you die, you will be this" or "you will be everything".

The dead lights. I personally think that this should be a question.

Yes. The dead lights.

And the idea of returning to the sunlight, even in that dead sea, became unbearable. Good line!

I would be a dead light.

--

A newspaper clipping blew in the wind near the lake, tattered by the elements.

DARLING CREEK, Indiana --

A (smudge) was found dead in Aloja Lake at 6 a.m. this morning by Mrs. John Liebling of 1341 Starling Way. The body has been id(large smudge)r. and Mrs. Matthew Jacobson who were on vacation. The cause of death appears to be accidental tho(large smudge)

I apprecaite the thought, however:
A) I think that the newspaper clipping bit is a bit cheesy and should be struck all together. Just give us the information in newspaper format, and the readers will get it.
B) The smudge thing? I'm afraid that it's kind of weak and makes it too obvious that you want the MC genderless and all that. Write it either as if the information has not been released yet, or as if the body is too battered to have been ID'd yet. Also, why is the Mrs. named John, and why did they release her address? And I think that the "this could be any child!" thing is struck as soon as you give the parents' names. If you keep that hidden, then this could be any kid, of any gender, of any race.
Try:
The body of a child was found in Ajola lake on Monday, June 21st. The police department has yet to release the name of the parents, who were vacationing at the state park. The death has been ruled an accidental drowning.

Okay, that was a really awful jab at newspaper work, but you get the picture. I'd suggest picking up your local newspaper to study how one might write short articles concerning local news.

You're not happy with it?

0.o

Can i like kill you right now?

*Gun clicks*

Applause.


And oh i won't kill you, your story is too excellent I might flood your box with tears.

*glomps tattletales* I love you. -_- sigh.

CHASE GBV 6/25/08

This story... is FANTASTIC.

I love the helpless neuroticism of the MC. It's so entertaining, and the way it's written just makes me keep reading eagerly to find out what in the world is wrong with him/her! I love it!

I took the question back to the evening beasts and the phanfasms of the night

Eeeh! Sumi, why the heck are you not happy with this? I can't get enough of your descriptions. They are lovely! This part wasn't quite as tell-y as the last one, and I enjoyed a lot! This one is also a bit more cracktastic than the last one though. Hee hee. Anyway, I absolutley loved it, and found no mistakes (except for that the newspaper part with the [smudge] thing was a little awkward). I enjoyed the ending a lot. It was a very rational and nice ending. It wasn't abrupt or anything. Everything flowed nicely and smoothly.

Kudos to you, my friend!
Holly